The oracle sayith and you payith

 

You often hear it said "there is no secret to golf" or put in a slightly different way "The secret to golf is there is no secret." Well there is a secret - many secrets in fact- if the true meaning of the word carries any sway. A secret, according to Webster is "known to only a few - something that is hidden from most." and if there is any sport that is "hidden from most" its golf with the myriad of swing theories festooning the learning landscape, the ever growing flock of swing oracles who with great regularity contradict each other much to the confusion of their subjects who don't realize that oracles are in the secrets business and business is good - very good.  

From Olympus to the Golf Channel

We have always paid our oracles well - with cash, high status and the ultimate respect due someone who has the "divine breath" the term describing the wisdom dispensed by the mother of all dispensers - the Delphi Oracle. Booked years in advance, priestesses in flowing white robes laid around all day answering questions of great import put to them by kings, warlords and the scions of industry -- answers that starting in 1400 BC markedly influenced the course of world events for over 1000 years.

The problem was they didn't just tell you straight-out stuff like "don't declare war on Rome" or "buy salt futures." When the oracle opined it was a stream of convoluted and arcane statements more confusing then an Enron audit. But not to worry - To make the information more user friendly there were priests who did nothing [at least during office hours] but translate the cryptic answers for their high paying clientele. But if you’re an oracle talk is not cheap – you are well paid, but in 67 AD, Emperor Nero, who was just 30 years old and had killed his own mother in 59 AD was told by the Oracle:

‘Your presence here outrages the god you seek. Go back, matricide! The number 73 marks the hour of your downfall!’

Nero never one to suffer bad news well, had her buried alive. His reign came to an end after a revolt by Galba who was 73 years of age at the time. I guess if you look hard enough for 73 to verify the prediction, the guys age will do but it’s a stretch.

Why did the babes babble so? The newest research confirms what had been speculated for centuries - the priestesses were stoned on the underground natural gases emanating from the ground at the foot of Mt. Parnassus, in Greece where the oracle was located. It was a good gig – find a mountain, get stoned, babble and get paid for it.

Today there are a growing number of oracles in golf - gurus who dispense their brand of the 'divine breath' wisdom. Instead of Mt. Olympus they are on the Golf Channel and on infomercials, CD’s and videos.

They form cult methods based on 'proprietary knowledge' which they defend with fanatical zeal. One such teaching method is based on 'physics' and the bible their use is so convoluted it needs priests to translate it, priests whose reason for being is based on the opaque nature of the material. Another uses a video tape of your swing explained to you by local operators located in strip malls who teach from a one-size fits all computer program based on dubious assumptions. Another guru does card tricks symbolic of his professionalism. Still another basis its entire marketing program on one golfer. His pronouncements about the golf swing rival the prattle from the ancient stoned-heads. The modern priests tell you that you need special high price clubs and a special swing - not like Ben Hogan's, winner of all four majors, unlike Tiger's,  and not even close to Sam Snead's who won more PGA tour titles than anyone. In this method everyone must swing exactly like a player who never won a tournament on the PGA Tour and that nobody who plays for a living has ever copied.

The moral of the oracle: if you want to play better golf beware of the 'divine breath' crew - they need you but you don't need them.